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[22 Oct 2008|09:20pm]
I don't know if understanding my feelings this well can be healthy.
| wear their sunglasses at night

[01 Oct 2008|12:25am]
a lot has happened since my last entry. a lot a lot a lot. mostly good, some bad, but im taking a writing class now and i want to get back in the habit of putting words together. i considered starting something fresh, trying out a new blogging interface but emmy made the point that my livejournal is the backstory to the life im living now; its the catalog of important events, thoughts, realizations that ive had over the past... its been 5 years now. on a side note, i tried keep a real life pen-and-ink journal for a while, and that lasted about 5 months. something about the permanence of my scribbly handwriting made it unbearably hard to jot down even the dollar amounts at the bottoms of my receipts (i was trying to keep track of my finances, that didnt go so well either).

the point is im back, who knows for how long, but im driving myself crazy in ways that i havent since high school so maybe itll be good for me.

and happy new year. maybe thats what this is really about.
1 | wear their sunglasses at night

[15 May 2008|09:38pm]
In a little over 2 hours, or a little over 1 hour, depending which time zone convention you're using, I'll be turning 20. Either way, I am in my final moments of being a teenager. I don't understand why turning 20 isn't really a big deal. I mean, yes, 21 is huge obviously, but 20 kind of gets swept to the side and ends up being the empty space between being a teenager and being able to drink legally. I'm think of the 19 to 20 transition as being like the 12 to 13, except with the added weight of having made it through the journey and lived to tell about it.

When I turned 13 I was in middle school, had just gotten my braces off, had a sweet haircut, was underachieving in my classes, was kind of sort of starting to see my first boyfriend. To celebrate I went to Six Flags with a bunch of people I barely talk to anymore. I had either not yet met or not yet bonded with many of the people who are now my closest friends. I was listening to Destiny's Child and Eden's Crush and I had never been kissed.

And now? I don't know. I spent the day hungover and staring out the window. I planned to go a friend's birthday dinner, but instead I lay in bed for 2 hours and cried just thinking about tomorrow. I have two problems sets due tomorrow that I haven't done. People keep texting me asking what I'm doing tonight. I can't decide if I want to "celebrate" my birthday by going to sleep before midnight or waging the most intense war against my liver that I can without landing in the hospital again.

Why is this the decision I have to make? Why aren't I one of those people who reacts favorably to their birthday, using it as a reason to celebrate their existence instead of systematically breaking down every failure they've incurred in the past year? Not that I ever really gave it much thought, but if my 12 year old self had taken the time to make predictions, I'm sure this isn't where I would have pictured myself at 20.

On the other hand, I think at this point I've gotten all I can out of being a teenager. I've made some really brutal mistakes and learned some really important lessons. I've changed my mind at least once a day, every day. I've been all sorts of things I didn't want to be at the time and never want to be again. I grabbed the whole angst thing by the balls and shook it for all it was worth. There's nothing left to do but grow up. I guess it's time.

I'm older, I'm wiser, and I'm still a mess. But I think I'll be okay.

And I think I'm going to go with the intense alcohol consumption option.
2 | wear their sunglasses at night

[21 Apr 2008|05:25pm]
and its like, hey, i know i just met you but i want to know more about you, i want to ask you questions, i want to hear your stories, your hopes, your dreams, i want to hear all about the ex-girlfriends and the hospital visits and the time you got arrested, i want to tell you my stories, my hopes, my dreams, all about the ex-boyfriends and the close encounters and the time i almost forgot how to love, i want to hold your hand and look up at the stars and tell you i support you and ride the train together to a far off place and do things that other people wouldn't find fun and have the best time ever, but mostly i just want you to tell me something about you that i couldn't learn from the internet.
| wear their sunglasses at night

[18 Apr 2008|09:45pm]
so here's the story.

last sunday night i was going to go to the Bone Thugs concert with a group of my friends. we pregamed with gin and juice, which i am clearly not gangsta enough for because i ended up in the hospital. i don't know the full story of what happened because it hasn't seemed appropriate to ask, but i did glean the details that the police were in my room and everybody was really freaked out and i had to take an ambulance. i think i woke up briefly in the ambulance because i do have a brief flash of memory from transport, although im not sure how much is just fabricated based on what i imagine might have happened. i do know that i woke up in the hospital, drunk and disoriented, alone and unsure of where i was or how i had gotten there. i looked down to see all sorts of wires, ivs, electrodes stuck to my chest, an oxygen monitor on my finger. i was terrified beyond comprehension, so in my inebriated state i dealt with it by ripping out the ivs and electrodes and crying hysterically and screaming. it was the single worst experience of my entire life.

but of course, with anything like that theres also the shitty aftermath. my parents were worried but understanding. my body is covered in random bruises and track marks. the president of my sorority took it upon herself to make the situation way worse than it already was by announcing the incident at chapter (she didnt mention my name, but still, everybody knew). i guess she felt that she had the right to do that because she came and picked me up at 6:50 am on monday, but honestly i didnt ask her to do anything for me and even after a night alone in the hospital i would still rather have walked home, barefoot and drunk, than have had her be the first person i saw. furthermore, i think that this event has permanently marred, if not ruined, my friendships with the girls who took care of me, who were previously 3 of my closest friends at this school. yeah, it happened, and it sucked, but we have to pick up the pieces and move on or else we stop living. but i can just feel that our friendships are never going to be the same.

in a way, i guess its necessary for every teenager to have a realization of their own mortality sometime before their 20th birthday. being invincible is such a teenage conception, and yet before this past weekend i legitimately felt like i was. i feel different now in ways that i cant entirely verbalize, but that manifest themselves when im walking alone in the dark and feel a fear creep into my chest where fear never previously resided. it also kind of sucks that this enlightenment is coinciding with my pre-20-almost-not-a-teenager-anymore existential crisis. that may sound melodramatic, but i legitimately do feel as if im having some sort of crisis. re-evaluation, perhaps. and perhaps it was necessary, but ultimately somethings necessity doesn't negate how painful it may be.

new story, old conclusion: i feel perpetually alone.
2 | wear their sunglasses at night

somebody please read this [15 Apr 2008|12:50am]
i guess, just like the evolution of human contact when youre not face to face is really weird
i mean, it started with like, leaving somebody a note. and then they made a way to like, communicate through recorded notes, then they made a way so store these recorded notes in ways that can be accessed by multiple devices the transmission of information, basically.

my life feels like a huge mess. like, there is no cohesive day to day pleasure that keeps me going. everything seems so ephemeral. im just coming up with random things to do to pass the time, just running out the clock waiting for something important and life changing to happen. to get through this bullshit and just begin, because honestly this all feels like complete shitty bullshit. my classes are retarded and unredeemable. my social life is a half-constructed pile of alternate personalites and maladjusted attempts at societal acceptance. im disenchanted with my lack of enthusiasm about anything except costume parties. i can not multi-task, in a world where multitasking is as standard as breathing.

ive been thinking about god a lot lately. like, so much lately. like, i really want to understand and communicate what god means to me. im becoming an artistic philosopher, of sorts, like turning of my mind and just doodling as i think about things. i think a lot of people are weirded out by the publicity of my thoughts.

i just need to get back to loving myself because honestly i dont really right now. isnt that odd? how you can love yourself and sometimes not.
2 | wear their sunglasses at night

[14 Apr 2008|11:55pm]
everything is a fucking mess.
| wear their sunglasses at night

Alkaline Earth [12 Apr 2008|05:49pm]
humming like metal
iron tasting mouth
crystal lattice vertices
quiet afternoon naps
we all are
uninspired by inspiration
stubborn fingers, tongues
empty eyes opened
empty hearts closed
full mind wandering
out of nowhere
paved black road
broken glass stairwell
playing a game
with no rules
and breaking them
metal against metal
| wear their sunglasses at night

[03 Apr 2008|01:30am]
thinking really hard about the universe consistently blows my mind. i wish more people understood how fucking baller science is.
1 | wear their sunglasses at night

[30 Mar 2008|09:00pm]
i just like cannot believe that that happened.
im suprised how neutral i feel about it.
but i think everything is gonna be okay.
| wear their sunglasses at night

[25 Mar 2008|02:31am]
there are so many things to talk about. i failed orgo, which isnt the most important thing but is definitely the most shitty. life goes on.
1 | wear their sunglasses at night

[21 Mar 2008|04:54pm]
you know its a bad sign when even childhood escape mechanisms fail to facilitate your escape.
| wear their sunglasses at night

[17 Mar 2008|09:50pm]
matt bartley, my best friend from elementary school, imed me out of the blue today. the last time i had seen him was at his mom's funeral, and the last time before that was probably fifth grade. we talked about smoking pot and the things we remember from a decade ago. he said he might be home for easter, and if he is we should hang out. maybe well hang out, maybe we wont, but honestly i dont think anything else could have made me happier right now.

im always so worried about falling out of touch with the people i care about, but i forget about how amazing it is to reconnect.
| wear their sunglasses at night

[17 Mar 2008|12:35am]
im being uncharacteristically optimistic lately. its kind of nice. i guess i finally decided that being fascinated and awed and impressed by everything all at once was a blessing and not a curse.
| wear their sunglasses at night

[12 Mar 2008|03:20pm]
the extent to which i am stuck in a sophomore year of high school romance rut would be hilarious if it werent so tragic.
1 | wear their sunglasses at night

[05 Mar 2008|12:31am]
i feel like i start a lot of entries with "here's the thing," although if it weren't for the thing what would we care about?

but here's the thing. im getting tired of complicated solutions to simple problems and simple solutions to complicated problems.

ive been doodling a ton recently. i really just want to edit something, pen to paper, make a million red marks.
| wear their sunglasses at night

[29 Feb 2008|12:58am]
LOL of the day: I'm debating picking up a minor in writing. Which would give me a major in chemical engineering with a minor in writing. Are you laughing yet?
| wear their sunglasses at night

[25 Feb 2008|09:29pm]
my computer died and i sent it away to the computer hospital and it came back fixed!!!!!

except minus all the files and folders and songs i had put on it. and thinking about all the stuff i lost makes me feel really, really sad because, when you think about it, a computer is just a machine but when you start doing stuff on it and writing papers and saving pictures and uploading music, it kind of starts to have a soul, or you put a little piece of your soul into it. so i guess as stupid as it sounds, i feel like i sent it away and it came back without a piece of my soul. and maybe thats why im crying right now. or maybe it isnt.
| wear their sunglasses at night

[18 Feb 2008|01:58pm]
DarbyChild (1:55:26 PM): ive also been having crazy, crazy dreams
Sel de la Mere (1:55:37 PM): like what
DarbyChild (1:55:50 PM): last night i dream i was pregnant with an alien baby and the only was to destroy it was to have it crushed by a dinosaur
Sel de la Mere (1:56:01 PM): wow
Sel de la Mere (1:56:15 PM): any big people in your life
DarbyChild (1:56:32 PM): the night before that i dreamt that dad was a mob boss and i had to testify that he didnt kill his mother by throwing her into a wood chipper and then burying her in the field where the kids play capture the flag
DarbyChild (1:57:09 PM): the night before that i dreamt that i was at camp and i took the kids to see dolphins in a swimming pool and we got attacked by the characters from the wizard of oz
Sel de la Mere (1:57:15 PM): these mean something, they are not just random
DarbyChild (1:57:33 PM): what do they mean?
Sel de la Mere (1:57:49 PM): all involve something adult and something from childhood
Sel de la Mere (1:58:21 PM): responsibility versus being a kid, and being frightened
DarbyChild (1:58:28 PM): maybe
| wear their sunglasses at night

[18 Feb 2008|01:50pm]
my sleep schedule is so fucked up. i cant fall asleep so i either skip class and sleep late and then i cant sleep the next night, or i cant function and then i have to wake up early the next day to do work cutting into my sleeping time even more. it came up when i was talking to my mom because my sinuses literally feel like they have ping pong balls shoved in them right now, and she said "something is on your mind. something is troubling you."

thanks, mom. story of my life.
| wear their sunglasses at night

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